Category Archives: GSRD

Supreme Court Ruling on the definition of woman

My thoughts on the Supreme Court Ruling on the definition of woman.

I am feeling shock, sadness and utter disappointment by the recent Supreme Court ruling concerning the definition of ‘woman’. There are already many posts out there going into the details of what the ruling says. 

What I’d like to highlight is how unhelpful this ruling is to women. All women.

No evidence, science or lived experience-based knowledge that contradicted the group’s view was accepted into this court hearing. So, non-trans people made decisions for and about trans people without hearing a single trans voice. Where is the democracy in that?

Biology is not binary

The hearing was based entirely on the premise that biology is binary. We know this to be incorrect. Anyone  who has studied human biology in the last 40 years will have a basic understanding that there are essentially three biological categories: female, male and intersex (approx. 1.7% of global population). [The term intersex is a western word and other cultures use different language to describe this category.] Biology is determined by three aspects: physical characteristics, hormones and chromosomes. Each is independent of the other and determined at different stages during gestation.

Many assume only physical characteristics are required to fully determine biological status but all three areas are required. The majority of the worlds population therefore will not categorically know their biological status. If we simply use something such as certain body parts to determine biology, what does this say about those born without those elements? Or those who have had those body parts removed/no longer functioning? 

Focus on trans women

So, why does the court ruling focus on trans women? Why are trans women feared? There doesn’t seem to be the same level of concern regarding a male attendant in the women’s toilet. Or that a female attendant serving the men’s toilet might be in severe danger (all those men!). So why the insistence that trans women are dangerous? Is it because trans women are being viewed as men? I don’t have all the answers. I suspect that it is related, in part at least, to the ongoing mis-information that gay and trans people are held by certain faiths as immoral and that society at large is under threat from them. From what exactly? My thoughts are that church and state together collude with the knowledge that if gay and trans people are no longer ridiculed, if they are afforded equal rights to cisgender and heterosexual folk, that it will further highlight gender hierarchy. Church and state need society to keep the status quo. If all people are equal, irrespective of gender, what will happen to patriarchal society? 

If those who are intersex are recognised in law it will mean costly changes to systems, forms and, of course, gender hierarchy. Who would pay for this? Who would benefit? I can see similarities with advocacy for equal rights for people with disabilities. The government didn’t want to pick up this bill. They don’t want to pick up the bill to allow intersex people to be legally valid.

Perceptions of definition of woman

This Supreme Court Ruling on the definition of woman dictates that anyone who is perceived as trans can be excluded from women-only spaces. Basically this means that anyone who doesn’t fit a rigid idea of woman/femininity potentially could be excluded. We’ve seen this play out in women’s athletics where competitors are now expressing in what might be described as ultra-feminine ways so as not to be considered ‘too masculine’. They don’t want to risk being humiliatingly investigated like in Casta Semenia’s case. Maintaining binary categories for biology and competition but then denying someone from competing is detrimental for all women. In Semenia’s case, she was accused of having an unfair advantage and prevented from competing, even though she is assigned female. There are all sorts of natural variations between competitors which have to be lived with as part of competition. So why is this different? 

Since the court hearing we have already seen additional hostility towards trans women, intersex folk and anyone who doesn’t fit a certain standard. 

If you need support please do get in touch.

Be a trans and intersex ally

A number of people have reached out in the last few days asking how they can help. If you’d like to be a trans ally, please consider:

  1. writing to your MP (see template below)
  2. challenge incorrect information around binary biology, and the perceived danger that trans, non-binary and intersex people pose
  3. support intersex individuals and advocate for visibility and equality. Help fund change where you can. 
  4. support non-violent protests
  5. increase your own knowledge about the discrimination faced by intersex, trans and non-binary folk

To find your MP list search your postcode here: https://lnkd.in/eygrZGvb

Email template:

Protect Trans, Non-Binary and Intersex People in Wake of Supreme Court Ruling

Dear [MP’s Name],

I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to express my serious concern regarding the recent UK Supreme Court ruling which defines the legal term “woman” as based solely on biological sex. Whilst the court framed this as a matter of legal clarity, the wider consequences are troubling and risk undermining the rights and dignity of transgender, non-binary and intersex people across the UK.

Although the ruling states that transgender people remain protected from discrimination, it opens the door to a narrower, more exclusionary interpretation of those protections and opens the door to further discrimination down the line. This leaves many feeling increasingly vulnerable, particularly those who have undergone legal transition under the Gender Recognition Act. The ruling also fails to recognise the existence and rights of non-binary people altogether, and places intersex people in legal limbo.

There is clear consensus amongst leading medical and psychological bodies, including the British Medical Association, the World Health Organisation and the Royal College of Psychiatrists, that gender identity is a real and deeply held aspect of who someone is. Trans women are women, trans men are men, and non-binary people exist and deserve legal recognition. Supporting people to live in alignment with their gender identity significantly improves mental health and wellbeing outcomes.

In addition, intersex people, whose lived experiences challenge the notion of a strict binary sex framework, have been overlooked in both the legal judgement and in much of the public discourse that surrounds it. Their continued invisibility in law contributes to stigma, confusion, and a lack of appropriate healthcare and protections.

This is not a victory for women’s rights. Real equality cannot be achieved by denying the rights of others. We must be able to hold space for all marginalised genders, and ensure that legislation reflects the lived realities of those it affects. I urge you to take this matter seriously and to use your platform to call for stronger, clearer protections for trans, non-binary and intersex people. This includes ensuring that the Equality Act and its guidance uphold inclusive practices, and that future legal definitions are grounded in compassion, scientific evidence, and human rights.

I hope you will do everything you can to stand up for the rights, dignity and safety of all your constituents.

Kind regards,

[Your Full Name]

Template courtesy of https://lnkd.in/eWkZanqA

Celebrate diversity

Here at Baines-Ball & Associates we celebrate diversity and aim to learn more each day about how we inadvertently cause injury to those we know less about. Together we are stronger. 

It’s a difficult time in the world for many people for many reasons. Though there are complexities in most situations, I believe firmly in curiosity and compassion both to self and others to heal wounds and repair relationships. 

Adapted from Trans Prayer by Laurie Wolfe

This is the season

for my body to catch up with

my soul.

In this, I rejoice.

Still, my spirit cries for peace.

May I heal  in this time of renewal.

May I find community,

those who welcome me and invite me to their table.

When I doubt my existence,

May I be affirmed.

When there is violence,

may I find serenity.

When I am treated with unkindness,

may I be kind.

When I am hated,

may I return to love.

When I am set apart,

may I include.

When others judge me,

may I be solid.

And when I have doubt,

may I find certainty

May I always

dwell in  peace,

love

understanding,

Light and wisdom in my heart.

Something Wild and Wonderful

I’ve recently read Anita Kelly’s book Something Wild and Wonderful. Oh my, if only this king of writing had been available when I was younger! I love the way Kelly writes, their way of including gender expansive characters without putting lights and a sign up to say, “reader, here is a non-binary character”. Wonderful. It was a joy to read. I felt like I went on the journey with Alexei and Ben. The mix of emotions was palpable. It made me assess my own experiences of coming out, the places where I’ve been included or excluded. 

Walking and therapy

There are so many benefits of walking on our physical and mental health. The movement, being in nature, mindfulness as we get absorbed with an insect. There’s something about being in tune with our bodies too. More aware of how our body feels as we are walking. If we are with others, noticing whether the walking encourages us to open up conversation versus those moments of silence and inner contemplation. I love walking and especially where there are trees. The different colours depending on the time of year, the rustle the leaves make versus the echo in winter when there’s less foliage to absorb the sounds. 

Therapeutic story

Whilst Something Wild and Wonderful isn’t a therapy book per se, I found therapeutic content simply by resonating with the characters in a way that I often don’t in novels consisting of entirely normative characters. The ability to feel seen was impactful and a reminder of all those bruises queer people experience on a daily basis. And that these bruises need caring for afterwards. Sometimes we forget because there are so many of them in a day. If you need help in this area please view this section of the website.

Writing letters to those who have hurt us

I was interested to read the questions at the end of the book. Especially the one regarding Alexei writing letters to his parents but not sending them. I feel the most important part for him was writing them and arriving at his own understanding that he wasn’t abnormal, broken, or flawed simply for being gay. He was able to reach an understanding that the inability to accept and embrace him as he is ultimately lay with his parents. That they made a choice. In many ways he didn’t need to send the letters. He made his choice to embrace who he is. It’s his parent’s responsibility to arrive at their own conclusion. They may not have been able to hear his words in any case.

Many thanks to Anita Kelly for writing – I’ll be reading more of their work soon!

Can I really rest?: Identity Fragility

Can I really rest?: Identity Fragility by Chai-Yoel Korn

In the current state of the world, the world troubles with faith, justice, leadership, politics and traumas. Our world is in fight and flight, how we are responding could talk to our sense of identity fragility. I have been thinking and processing a lot around “Identity Fragility”.

Identity Fragility

‘Identity fragility’ is the: defensiveness, denial and invalidation that characterises some human’s responses to being antisemitic, biphobia, classist, disablist, homophobic, Islamophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic. I want to make clear that discrimination is not on some hierarchy and perhaps we need to learn to understand each other by hearing the other’s pain more. As a friend pointed out to me thinking about identity fragility helps us think about the nuance of identity politics.

This takes Robin Diangelo’s concept of ‘White Fragility’ from their book “White Fragility: why it’s hard for white people to talk about racism” (2018) further. By doing so I hope it helps people to know that identity fragility is a universal experience. In their book they define White Fragility as: “White Fragility is a state in which even a minimum amount of racial stress be-comes intolerable, triggering a range of defensive moves. These moves include the outward display of emotions such as anger, fear, and guilt, and behaviours such as argumentation, silence, and leaving the stress-inducing situation. These behaviours, in turn, function to reinstate white racial equilibrium”.

Can I rest?

Being challenged is not comfortable for any of us, yes, we are only human we all make mistakes, but ‘identity fragility’ can become toxic as humans if we don’t check what privileges we have and that another person or community group that we don’t have lived experience of, may not. We only learn as humans by listening, not immediately responding, by going away and thinking why is the person challenging me and then coming back taking some accountability, we only truly take accountability by expressing what we have learnt and what might do differently in the future. Too often the wrong people are being silenced on social media or via WhatsApp groups, we can only truly understand the other persons lived experience by truly listening and understanding why we are getting defensive, being defensive talks only to our identity fragility.

Here I want to take from “What Is White Fragility? Plus 5 Key Steps for Overcoming It” blog on Healthline, medically reviewed by Bethany Juby, PsyD (Healthline written by Crystal Raypole on June 13, 2022, cited examples further and by doing so making them more universal to our human experience.

These ‘Identity Fragility’ feelings are often expressed by:

  • Angrily insisting you aren’t any of these that someone may be asking you to check your privilege about: antisemitic, biphobia, classist, disablist, homophobic, Islamophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic. E.g.: As a white person I need to accept that I can walk through the world easily as I blend into the white majority in the world, whereas if you think of the Jewish part of my identity and my ethnic looks due to this, I stand out more in the white community. I recall being on a course at the beginning of my therapist training, being accused of being racist. I feel shame for how I reacted to this, but acknowledging that of course I can be racist, this is where my learning began, and change happened, it can be liberating.
  • Demanding when being challenged why “everything has to be about the intersectional privilege that you are being challenged about”. This is often due to your personal discomfort about being accused of being discriminatory and therefore offensive.
  • Erasure or silencing the person challenging you, by starting an argument or twisting events to make things seem as if the other person is in the wrong. This is also a form of gaslighting the other person, it often makes the other person reactionary for a reason and is a form of discrimination. If we have felt a sense of erasure or silencing with our own identity, rather than passing that on to another person or community group, we should be looking at opening a dialogue rather than shutting it down because of our discomfort. That allows for developing and growing.
  • As a queer and Jewish person, I often express my internalised antisemitism and homophobia by making a joke of the stereotypes that are unique to the expression of my identity. Or I gaslight myself as to whether I have a right to speak up when something I witness is not okay or wrong.
  • Crying, therefore moving away from being challenged and making it about our self.
  • Explaining how guilty, ashamed or sad you feel. Rather than taking accountability for what you are saying or even saying let me go away to check why the other person is challenging you. You are reactionary as you are feeling uncomfortable about what you are being challenged about. It is not the other persons responsibility to make your discomfort okay.
  • Remaining silent or silencing the person doing the challenging due to your identity vulnerability being exposed. An example of this in my own life is being asked to use my walking stick rather than my walking frame, as other people may ask too many questions, this is not my discomfort about being disabled, but it is hurtful, it does take away the safety and trust that I may have in that relationship.
  • Just changing or avoiding the subject, or not acknowledging being challenged. An example of this for me is being very open about my disability, in a short-term relationship I had the person I was dating had a large reaction to ‘Grace’ the name I give my walking frame, this reaction made me feel ashamed of being disabled, it was not my shame but the projected shame of the person I was feeling on my disability, it was not my identity fragility.
  • Making a joke about what the person is saying or a particular community, by doing so undermining the person or community group you are talking about. This is not about the person challenging you making a big fuss about nothing, it is not political correctness, it is about your identity fragility. I.E: why you need to make a joke about something at the expense of the other person’s or community groups identity.
  • Not understanding or wanting to understand the additional systemic barriers a particular community face or wanting to listen to their lived experience.
  • Telling someone else that you read an article or a piece of research that you don’t have lived experience of and therefore ‘I know what I’m talking about’ this is invalidating the other persons lived experience, it does not show you are truly interested, learning or open to developing an understanding of something outside your own lived experience, it also can be seen as gas lighting and therefore discriminatory.
  • Being lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) today is different to where we were twenty-five years ago. There is much more legislation and social policy that protect LGB people. There is better access to support where needed. Whereas for trans and non-binary there are still many more systemic barriers, how politically and the media talks about trans and non-binary people is where we were with the lesbian, gay or bisexual 25 years ago. As a queer person I have privilege but as a non-binary I have less.
  • As a male assigned at birth (AMAB) and white person, I have the privilege of cisgender passing. When I walk down the road and my non-binary gender not being noticed or being seen as non-binary. That is  a privilege it does not still protect me from the transphobia that I can experience in the conversation with the other, when I read a transphobic article about transgender people, or someone might treat me             differently when they find out I am non-binary.
  • I was not named after a Chinese tea (although I always like a good Chai Late), when people don’t  realise, I am Jewish, find out that I have a Hebrew name, but then if my Jewish identity becomes a problem in any relationship, this talks to the other person’s identity fragility. It is not my responsibility to make their reaction to this okay.

Non-intended expression of identity fragility

These expressions of ‘identity fragility’, may not be intended to be offensive, that does not make it okay when it happens or that we don’t take accountability if someone challenges us, they can be seen as still harmful and sometimes can be highly toxic. ‘Identity fragility’ centres on your feelings and moves away from the other person lived experience of discrimination and their experience of walking in their shoes through the world. Mainly also this gets in the way of productive open-hearted conversations and prevents real learning.

People often have a reaction to word ‘privilege’; it would be weird not to. The Collins English Dictionary (2019) definition of privilege as:

  1. A benefit or advantage granted only to certain people.
  2. The opportunity to do something which gives you great satisfaction and which most people never have the chance to.
  3. The power and advantages that come with great wealth or high social class.

Take a breath and think why before reacting. It is more indicative of own our sense of fragility and nothing to do with the person stating we have ‘privilege’ or to indeed check our privilege.

In the book “The Politics of Trauma” by Staci K Haines we are introduced to the idea of Somatics: “Somatics understands both the individual and collective as a combination of biological, evolutionary, emotional, and psychological aspects, shaped by social and historical norms, and adaptive to a wide array of both resilient and oppressive forces. Somatics is the intentional change process by which we can embody transformation, individually and collectively. Embodied transformation is foundational change that shows our actions, ways of being, relating, and perceiving. It is transformation that sustains over time” (P.19, 2019).

Intersectionality

Kimberley Krenshaw coined the term Intersectionality: “The interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class, and gender as they apply to a given individual or group, regarded as creating overlapping and independent systems of discrimination or disadvantages”. From this we can understand that being understood to have privilege is not a bad thing, still in some areas you may not have privilege, but don’t use that to invalidate or silence someone’s else’s lived experience.

At the end of the day, these can often reinforce the individuals or community groups experience of discrimination. As research indicates, this can cause deep and lasting emotional, physical, social and mental health harm. Using the framework of intersectional identity, lets us know that we are not all equal in society and as humans it is our responsibility to check where we have privilege, check our own reactions when being challenged about our privileges and to challenge why our responses may be considered as discriminatory.

I am also not a perfect human, who is? When making a mistake I take compassionate accountability about my identity vulnerabilities and must think about my own identity fragility, so I can hold myself to as much account that I do other people. I also need to think about the wider effects on me and my intersectional identity, my own experience of marginalisation, trauma and what I have internalised from our wider world, when challenged by some else’s challenge of my lived experience.

Affirmative vs exploratory therapy

There currently seems to be much discussion about affirmative vs explorative therapy with trans clients. As though they are binary opposite ways of working and we can’t do both. The aim of this blog is to de-bunk some of the myths of this unhelpful binary as I see it. 

Working affirmatively

I’ve been troubled by hearing therapists referring to affirmative therapy for trans clients as ‘dangerous’. And therefore deciding to not work affirmatively. I’d like to pose a different question; why would you not work affirmatively with any aspect of a client’s identity? My understanding of the word affirmative is about working in a way that upholds that no one identity or aspect of identity is considered more desirable than another. So, in this case, no one gender identity is considered more or less desirable than another. 

Exploration

Alongside the discussions around ‘affirmative therapy*; there seems to be a conversation about what ‘exploratory therapy’* involves. An assumption that it is always pathologising and as though there is somehow a binary of affirmative OR exploratory. That on one ‘side’ affirmative equals good and exploratory equals bad vs the ‘other side’ where exploration equals good and affirmation equals bad. I disagree.

Using the example of long waiting times for NHS gender clinics (see below). A trans client will of course be upset and frustrated at the long wait. We can be affirmative in this as it IS frustrating, it IS a long wait! We can also explore what else the waiting and uncertainty might bring up for this client. What family dynamics might be evoked? What does waiting feel like? How can they support themselves during the long wait? These are all things that can be safely explored with open curiosity. What is therapy if it’s not an exploration, whatever modality we use? What is life if it’s not an exploration of who we are, how we experience the world around us?

The sort of exploration that would be unhelpful and potentially damaging is trying to find ‘reasons’ behind why a person is trans. We don’t look for reasons why someone is cis-gender. We simply work affirmatively with them. So we need to carry this across to all genders, and all aspects of identity. I think it’s really important that we are clear about what terms we are using and the intent behind them. This way we can engage in furthering our understanding of ourselves and others. 

Unprocessed beliefs in the therapist

So, coming back to the question around affirmative vs explorative therapy, why would it be dangerous to work affirmatively? Who for? What feels dangerous to the therapist about it and can this be explored in supervision and personal therapy? (Rather than negatively impacting the client with their own unprocessed material.)

“You wouldn’t let your client step in front of a bus so why would you work affirmatively with trans clients”. These kind of comments are unhelpful on so many levels. Making these kinds of parallels are transphobic at their core. To link with suicidal ideation makes a suggestion that being trans is the equivalent to taking one’s own life. And that the therapist is somehow supporting this. What unprocessed material is going on for the therapist to make this incorrect assumption?

I don’t ‘let’ or ‘not let’ my clients take their own lives. Recognising what is and isn’t within my control is helpful. I work through what that feels like to not have the ‘control’ to keep clients alive. To not do so potentially indicates a lurking saviour complex. Perhaps a topic that deserves a dedicated post, so more on this later. 

Affirmative vs explorative therapy

Working affirmatively is about working with who the client is, not what actions they take; what they do. It isn’t our job to encourage or discourage a client to take a specific action. We wouldn’t/shouldn’t be telling our clients to/not to leave a relationship, change a job, have a tattoo etc. So why would we be telling our clients what gender they are or are not?

Is there any other aspect of identity where it would be considered OK to attempt to prevent the client from expressing themselves? E.g. a trans client who is also black, Muslim, disabled and working class. Why would we work affirmatively with all these other aspects but not with their gender identity? If we are not working affirmatively with all these other aspects, why not? 

Transition process

For any therapists or supervisors who are not aware, it is not, and likely will never be, their role to diagnose, to prescribe, to refer for surgery for trans clients. In the same way that we would not for any other client group. There are specifically qualified professionals for working with gender dysphoria for trans and trans questioning clients.

In terms of medication and surgical interventions via the NHS, trans clients will likely be on a 5 to 8 year waiting list before first intervention is offered. This is owing to the number of people on the waiting lists and the small number of trained care staff. It is possible, for those who can finance it, to be seen more quickly privately. However, there is usually a 6 to 9 month wait for assessment privately. What this means in reality, in the UK, is that no one has access to medical or surgical intentions quickly. There is plenty of time for reflection along the way before the client makes decisions about how to proceed and they can stop or pause the process at any point. 

Our role as therapists is to provide psychological support in whatever way is needed. The client may need help with navigating systemic transphobia, family/work responses to their identity. Or they may bring something completely unrelated to their identity. So we can work both affirmatively and exploratively without directing, shaming or pathologising the client. 

Working affirmatively and exploratively

So, please can we move away from ‘debating’ identities and simply respect and respond to the client in our care. Do you find you have a strong reaction to terms like working affirmatively or exploratively? Please spend some time in personal reflection about what fear or anxiety might be stirred in you. And of course refer the client on to someone who is competent at working both affirmatively and exploratively whilst you work through whatever difficulties you have. 

*I am using the word affirmative to describe working in a way that upholds that no one identity or aspect of identity is considered more desirable than another. I am using the word exploratory to describe working in a way that explores how a client feels about what they are bringing, not exploring how/why/if a client knows they are trans and/or how this aspect of identity can be changed

Why pronouns matter

I attended a CPD event for therapists recently and it left me questioning (again) whether therapists have really embraced gender diversity. Do therapists really understand why pronouns matter?

The gender binary is culturally specific. It’s also related to the settler-colonial imperialist project to categorise people as superior/inferior (Barker & Iantiffi 2019). Essentially certain people in society make decisions about who or what is considered civilised or not. There were disastrous consequences for those who did not fit into the ‘superior’ categories. They they either had to deny who they were or face brutal attack and death.

Gender Identity – why pronouns matter

Pronouns are part of what reflects our gender identity. For cis gender people (those whose gender aligns with the gender assigned at birth) you may not have considered whether being referred to as she/her or he/him fits. This is where gender neutral pronouns such as they/them or ze/zir become important. It really makes a difference to the individual. For anyone who struggles with gender neutral pronouns such as they/ them, remember you will be using the word ‘you’ in both the singular and plural quite naturally so it simply requires a bit of practice and willingness to try.

This also means educating ourselves about the particular ways that gender diverse people are oppressed by therapists and society. Also that we are advertising that we work with gender diverse clients that we educate ourselves about the different pathways in terms of potential hormone and/or surgical interventions that might be available via the NHS or privately so that we are not relying on our clients to teach us, especially if we are working with those with gender dysphoria. This simply isn’t fair. 

There are demands on everyone to express their gender identity in certain ways otherwise they are not woman or man ‘enough’. In some instances, clients are told they are not even trans, bi or gay enough, such are the limits of understanding. I wonder, are we perpetuating this in the therapy or supervision room?

Gender diversity – why pronouns matter

Many therapists and supervisors, myself included, advertise that we are inclusive in our practice. What changes do we actually make to incorporate gender diversity? One change we have made in my practice is to label both our single-occupancy toilets as ‘All Gender Toilets ’. This way anyone of any gender can feel comfortable using them. For those of us outside the gender binary, as for many trans and intersex people, (Viloria & Nieto 2020) public toilets can be incredibly difficult to navigate. I have personal experience of being spoken to aggressively for using women’s, men’s, and toilets for disabled users. This generates so much shame simply from using a public toilet. Most cis-gender people will not have to consider this.

Other suggestions would be to make greetings inclusive. ‘Hello all/everyone/folks’ includes everyone. Whereas ‘ladies and gentlemen’ excludes those of us outside the binary. It is also outdated, patriarchal and class-centric language. I invite you to think about how you might react if salutes constantly excluded you?

Forms could be more inclusive simply by having boxes for pronouns and other genders. Computer systems updated to incorporate the gender-neutral prefix Mx are more inclusive. I invite you to think about how you might react if forms constantly excluded you? They may already in terms of ethnicity. How might you feel if forms excluded you in both of these areas?

Something else that can help is email signatures that incorporate pronouns, irrespective of your identity. This this will help normalise the use of diverse pronouns and at no expense of anyone using normative pronouns.

The power of apology

We all make mistakes. As long as we acknowledge and apologise (and learn from it). There is something incredibly empowering for clients to hear us apologise when we get something wrong. Like using the wrong pronoun; it can validate who they are. If we cover it up or hope they haven’t noticed that we just used the wrong pronoun, we erase them right in front of us. This erasure is so damaging and shaming.

Potentially perpetuating trauma

We need a greater understanding of the impact on our clients of being marginalised by the use of outdated, excluding language and knowledge. To not do so risks perpetuating previous trauma and feelings of oppression, which may result in internalised shame. Some of this work is potentially difficult and challenging. If we consider that, as therapists and supervisors, we may inadvertently add to the oppression of our clients in terms of their identity – be that gender, sexual, relationship, ability, race, religion, class or any other equally important aspect. But oppression is only lessened as we recognise and acknowledge our place/s of privilege in society. We also need to continue to reflect on what we do with this knowledge. Both inside and outside of the therapy room.

Someone once said to me, ‘people are simply people’. Whether you’re a counsellor, psychotherapist or supervisor I would like to think that together we could be more inclusive. Also that we enable people to simply be people, wear whatever they feel comfortable wearing, using names and pronouns that they feel most comfortable with, doing jobs and hobbies that make them feel fulfilled, loving whoever they happen to love. It’s a vision I still hold most dear but fear we as a profession are not there yet.

The cost of not being our authentic self

I’ve been thinking today about the things that enable/allow/prevent us from being our authentic self and what impact this has on our minds and bodies. There is a cost of not being our authentic self.

For those of us who work heavily with attachment, we know the importance of attunement and mirroring by the primary caregiver on the developing infant and their sense of self.

Mirroring

When our primary caregiver sends the message, “I see you, I hear you, I understand you and I love you just as you are”. Well, that’s the creation of the internal world right there! As adults it becomes ‘money in the bank of resilience’. When we feel insecure, we go back to those moments of ‘it’s OK to be me’. Alternatively, with little or no attunement and mirroring we don’t learn who we are. Or that it’s OK to be us. In turn, we wrestle with, ‘I am ­____________ but I am not allowed to be this.

Fear of rejection, abandonment, ridicule, reproach can not only prevent us from being authentically us, they can have dire consequences on our resilience, our mental health and also on our physical health.

Many people I work with who have had to hide themselves, emotionally speaking and/or an attribute of their identity, end up with a mind/body disconnect. It’s the brain’s way of ‘dealing’ with constant misattunement.

Mind/body connect

We don’t really know the full cost of not being our authentic self. It can take years of unlearning and re-learning to be able to lift the mind/body separation. To allow for and learn self-attunement. The impacts can be severe. Many suffer with chronic fatigue syndromes (part of this is the body getting us to listen) and other long-term health conditions with little or no hope of the situation improving.

I am passionate about helping clients to gradually allow themselves to connect different parts of themselves. Also, in supervision, it is vital that we can be our authentic self. There’s a vast difference between affirmative therapy/supervision and something much more benign like “I am happy to work with anyone; I treat people the same”. It essentially repeats that pattern of not being attuned to and mirrored.

We can’t be all things to all people but we can learn affirmative processes for areas such as working with LGBTQIA+, BAME, disabled, neurodiverse and differently classed clients and supervisees.

I’ve experienced a number of supervisors over the years and thankfully there are only a few unhelpful moments. However, working with a queer supervisor, the difference is massive in terms of me being able to show up as my authentic self, unapologetic about my identity. Knowing I’ll be understood on that level help to free me up to think more openly about my clinical work. This in turn helps each person I work with.

Internalised shame – the cost of not being our authentic self

When we’ve lived, for any length of time, in a world that tells us that we are different/bad/wrong/sinful this is what we internalise however hard we try not to. That’s why affirmative work is so important as we are starting from minus figures essentially. We have to put something back in rather than simply be blank and bland about it.

So where do we learn affirmative therapy/supervision? Sadly I am not convinced there is enough affirmative content within therapy training programmes. So the onus is on ourselves to be accountable for what we need to learn. It isn’t enough, for example, to simply use a client’s name and pronoun as requested – we need to understand why it’s important. It’s not a level playing field. We need to understand the battle fought to get to that point; the discrimination faced. That’s what moves it from “I work with anyone” to “I see you, I hear you and I love/respect you as you are”.

Trans adolescents and adults in a therapeutic setting

Many therapists are fearful of the idea of working with trans adolescents and adults in a therapeutic setting. I was recently invited to take part in a study designed to investigate how psychologists and psychotherapists who see trans adolescents in their practices assess their clients’ capacity to make decisions about their treatment and how to approach this subject in an ethical manner. Inevitably it got me thinking…

Is gender exploration any different to any other area in therapy?

No client, adolescent or otherwise, voices questioning their gender if they are not. No one can be made trans simply by talking about possibly being trans. I approach this area as simply as I do with any other. I trust the client knows themself better than anyone. Hopefully I attune to what they are expressing. We explore together how they feel, when they first felt this way, what their understanding of themself is. I affirm who they say they are in the same way I would affirm someone who tells me they have experienced a bereavement, an assault or anything else. I educate myself so I have the most current knowledge about different identities and all the different biological possibilities.

Many possibilities

My client will be one of the many possibilities in terms of biology, identity and expression. It’s our work to discover who they are at that time. Knowing that identity and expression can change during the life span along with everything else. Adolescents are rarely given the opportunity to have surgery or take cross-sex hormones before they are emotionally mature enough to make that decision. In the same way they are mature enough to make a decision to join the army, for example. Puberty blockers are designed to buy time and play a valuable role. See High Court Ruling blog.

Looking for certainty

Often, it’s parent’s and/or therapist’s attitudes that generate fear and friction. Often, they’re looking for a level of certainty that cannot be provided. Some clients will explore and decide they want to press forward with further treatments and others will decide not to. In many ways it’s really that simple. In terms of process, the long waiting lists provide copious time for reflection, pausing if needed or even halting the process altogether.

What clients need is to be heard and seen for who they are now and into the future.

Clear ethical guidance is essential in working with trans adolescents and adults in a therapeutic setting. However, there is no need for fear. Just an open mind to the range of possibilities.

Please get in touch for further information via the contact page or here.

Equality Inclusion & Diversity in the Workplace

I was talking recently with an organisation I provide professional support to about Equality, Diversity and Inclusion (EDI) within the workplace. Something struck us. The one common thread on every single job description within this varied organisation was a sentence about EDI. However, none of the staff are ever questioned about EDI performance during their annual appraisal.

Tick box exercise? – equality inclusion and diversity in the workplace

It’s got me thinking. How can we move from a position of tick box, mandatory training (that many don’t engage with) and automated assumptions to actual engagement? Essentially, a desire to increase awareness because we want to rather than because we have to?

For me, this is about moving from a place of treating everyone as the same to treating everyone as different and unique. So, wanting to understand their place of difference rather than smooth it over and pretend it isn’t there. I see this as both an individual task and an organisational one. Then what about membership bodies such as BACP and UKCP? How can they, and should they, make EDI training mandatory and accountable? How do they/we balance freedom of speech with a profession of expected non-discrimination?

EDI Awareness

My membership is with BACP and for this I complete a training expectations and outcome document annually. I have added an element to mine so that EDI awareness is there as part of my ongoing continual professional development arrangements. I don’t lose sight of it this way. Each time I’m at the planning stage I ask myself which area I feel I need more awareness of. Whilst I need to keep up-to-date on gender, sexual and relationship diversity (one of my areas of expertise), I also need to make sure that my knowledge around race, disability or sex work, for example, doesn’t get left behind.

I can’t know everything about everything connected to equality inclusion and diversity in the workplace. However, I invite myself to become better informed each year. Therefore I’m a better ally to those who are disadvantaged in different ways to me, both professionally and personally.  I actively want to know more and to understand more about the areas where I have an advantage, those areas I don’t have to think about every day.

Challenge – equality inclusion and diversity in the workplace

It can feel challenging and exposing to grapple with the idea that we have advantage over another. As therapists this can feel very uncomfortable and we can get defensive when questioned or invited to expand our thinking. I think it’s important to separate the ‘I wasn’t aware of that’ from ‘I am a bad person’. Once we have awareness we can chose to do something different. Similarly once we have awareness about a relationship or behaviour that isn’t helpful for us we can chose to respond differently. Once we have awareness that our inner critic is having a field day we can learn to be kinder to ourselves and others.  

Fear

Many therapists come from a place of early wounding, hence the phrase ‘wounded healer’. I wonder if we can learn to respond to EDI and inherent advantage/disadvantage from a place of curiosity rather than a place of fear?

You may be interested to read this blog and this blog also.

Resilience and why pronouns matter.

Luan reflects on: their ‘why pronouns matter’ article, the resilience bank, paper cuts. They share the 5 things they do to maintain their resiliency.

Luan’s article ‘why pronouns matter’ is here to help bust some of the myths around gender diversity and to demonstrate how small changes in our interactions can have a huge positive impact on those with diverse identities.

As a psychotherapist and supervisor in private practice they reflect on their experiences within the therapeutic community regarding diversity, particularly gender, sexual and relationship identity. Their thoughts can be readily transposed to any area of diversity. Their aim is to offer some insights here into how we might better serve our clients, supervisees and colleagues. All examples are anonymised.

Whilst they recognise that change is slow within wider society they feel we have a duty as counsellors, psychotherapists and supervisors to be robust enough to challenge, be challenged and expand our knowledge and understanding, rather than live in a bygone era of oppression, judgement and ignorance. LGBT+ hate crime has increased by 78% in the last five years1. It matters to clients, supervisees and supervisors. Indeed it needs to matter for change to occur. Resilience and why pronouns matter.

“People are simply people”. Whether you’re a counsellor, psychotherapist or supervisor I would like to think that together we could enable people to simply be people, wear whatever they feel comfortable wearing, using names and pronouns that they feel most comfortable with, doing jobs and hobbies that make them feel fulfilled, loving whoever they happen to love. It’s a vision I still hold most dear but fear we as a profession are not there yet.

Resources

Inclusive progressive rainbow LGBTQIA flag