Category Archives: Uncategorized

Resilience to engage in dialogue

I’ve been thinking about resilience to engage in dialogue. I wonder how many complaints or threat of complaints to BACP could be resolved by simply having open adult-to-adult dialogue. As we hear and tell our individual perspective we create the opportunity for greater understanding of ourselves and others. Though this does require a level of courage for all involved. 

Personal development – resilience to engage in dialogue

As therapists we need to have done enough work on our own emotional development. This way we can truly tolerate hearing clients tell us that we have got something wrong. Reacting without retaliation, but with compassion and understanding is hopefully our goal. With an apology we can often bring in challenge where it’s needed. We help clients to see what part they may have played in the situation as well as check out our own responses.

Therapists often have a dual role. It’s these dual roles that are so often at the heart of conflict. So it’s also really important to be able to voice our concerns, disappointment, frustration etc. with our therapist, supervisor or manager. Without that open dialogue, ruptures go unrepaired and the roots of the conflict (envy, anger, frustration, misunderstanding etc.) are left unchecked. They easily fester into something much bigger than was originally there. We understand that sometimes clients need to run away from dialogue to (un)consciously generate a repeat of previous unresolved conflict.

Possibility of a different outcome

Our aim is hopefully one of providing the opportunity for a different sort of ending. Alternatively, a different response than has been experienced previously. We can only provide that space; the client then choses whether they can take the risk for a new experience. The same space is provided for supervisees and colleagues. In having more than one role we need to develop the resilience to engage in those difficult conversations. If we don’t have the resilience to engage in dialogue the relationship can break down and potentially result in unresolved conflict. 

In my own experience, across my roles of client, therapist, supervisor and manager, I have seen the benefits of open dialogue in bringing about change both for myself and others. 

Homophobic attacks must stop

Homophobic attacks must stop. Two dear friends of mine were on the receiving end of a homophobic verbal assault over the weekend as they walked arm-in-arm through their Leicestershire village. Two young men shouted at them from the safety of their car – a cowardly act. In these kinds of situations the young men feel entitled to use another person’s (assumed) sexuality for their entertainment, often with misogynistic overtones if not hatred.

Be proud of who you are

First, I’m sad and concerned for my friends. People shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of behaviour from others. It has the potential to induce shame and make those on the receiving end shrink into silence and erasure – which is why I am speaking out on their behalf. They are proud of who they are.

It also made me wonder about the state of mind of the two young men hurling the abuse. Similar thoughts crossed my mind regarding the two recent nationally reported cases of homophobic attacks on women. How in control, powerful and overpowering might they feel? Why the need to express their feelings in such an unfiltered way? Equally, how inept, insignificant and inadequate might these young men feel to carry out such a cowardly act? As a society, how can we protect the vulnerable, those who are oppressed or marginalised? How can we also help to educate those in the majority that they also harm themselves in the process of attacking those different to themselves?

Increase in hate crime

As you can see, I have far more questions than answers but these homophobic attacks must stop. Some of my concern lies within the context of the current political landscape where tolerance and cohesion are seemingly being rejected in favour of power-play and one-upmanship. Since the EU Referendum there has been an increase in hate crime and sadly we are not seeing it decline any time soon. So I add my voice to those speaking out and declaring that it’s not OK to verbally, physically or mentally abuse another person simply because they are a bit different to you and you feel intimidated by this difference.

Death By Shame

In the aftermath of another celebrity suicide death I have been thinking about the consequences of internalised shame…

All too often the shame simply becomes too big to survive. There are so many situations where we can internalise shame…not feeling like we fit into a group such as not appearing British enough, woman enough, man enough, trans enough, white enough, black enough etc. We are given so many signals growing up and into adulthood as to what is socially un/acceptable and if we happen to fit the ‘wrong’ category the shame carried can be fatally toxic. Finances is often another big driver for suicide; the ultimate cost being the life of someone who feels shamed that they have failed their family. 

The internet is great for helping those in marginalised groups being able to find information, community and support. 41% of trans people will have at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime. I’m sure the sense of community provided online helps to keep the number from being higher than this. It’s too high though. Shockingly high. One of the contributory factors…social media. So the internet both helps and hinders. People so often find their voice of hatred whilst protected behind a technological screen…some have little thought for the consequences, others post in the full knowledge and hope of causing distress. What readily gets missed is that hatred is so often fuelled by fear, fear of difference, fear of change, fear of our assumptions being shown to be incorrect, fear that we will be shown to be lacking in some way. . 

The language we use around suicide also has an impact. The term ‘committed suicide’ is rather outdated now and harks back to an area where it was illegal to end one’s own life. More recent terminology such as ‘taken their own life’ or ‘death by suicide’ have a less stigmatising effect both for the individual and for those left in grief. 

And then, of course, there are those left behind. Suicide loss is a bereavement like no other. It’s incredibly difficult to process and integrate into life. There are so often more questions than there are answers; questions that inevitably can never be answered. It leaves a particular scar, often laced with shame and so the cycle potentially continues.

So, the next time you take to social media, take a deep breath and ask yourself what the impact of the post might be. It’s OK to challenge, to disagree but it’s so shaming and wounding to be targeted by hatred. We need to each own our fears about things we don’t agree with or don’t understand. The cumulative effect could be an end to a life. 

Boris Johnson and the burka

Boris Johnson’s recent comment about Muslim women wearing the nicab, hijab or burka, and his stance that an apology is not needed have got me thinking…I’m left with some deep concerns:

1. That as a person in a position of authority and in the public eye he hasn’t learned some skills that involve thinking before speaking. Freedom of speech has limitations depending on our role;

2. That his words show a troubling lack of awareness of how he might cause offence or even care that he might have caused offence;

3. That many people in positions of authority, particularly within politics lack understanding of their own place of privilege and therefore do not understand the place of oppression for others. Latest reports are concentrating on his remark being a “joke”. I doubt ‘skills’ as a comedian were on the job spec;

4. That many people in positions of authority, particularly within politics have come through boarding school education. Whilst they may have experienced superior education, the system of ‘privileged abandonment’ of boarding school often causes a shutting down of the child’s emotions which are rarely recovered without the aid of therapy. Subsequently, responding to others’ emotions also proves too difficult. What this generates within the political system, for example, is a severe lack of empathy both for self and others in less fortunate or different circumstances.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t speak out on a political issue; I’m ever mindful of my role as a psychotherapist and the boundaries that maintain safety for both those I work with and myself. This story has got me thinking though, when is enough enough? When do we learn to tolerate difference of race, faith, gender, sexuality, ability etc.? When do people in places of authority learn to respect others as fellow humans rather than to de-humanise? On the other side of the political fence, Jeremy Corbin refuses to accept a definition of anti-Semitism approved of largely by the very people who have felt the blows of injustice. Why not listen and learn instead of imposing from that place ‘authority’? We don’t all have to share the same views; surely there are ways in which we can communicate our differences of opinion without ridiculing each other or inciting hatred?

Given that tolerance, compassion, and compromise are not often filtering down through the political parties and beyond, I’m wondering what we can do in the therapeutic community to foster these characteristics in a way that impacts wider society so that freedom of speech can be honoured in a more humane way?

The more we can understand our own places of privilege and oppression, what this is rooted in and how this develops, the more we can educate ourselves to be open-minded, tolerant, and empathic to those who are different or hold different views to ourselves. In the end we are all people, we all hurt, we all cry, we all laugh. As a people we would work so much better united than constantly pointing out that some else does it differently to us and is therefore wrong.

Face coverings in the therapy room

At the beginning of lockdown I was adamant that face coverings within the therapeutic space would not be a good thing and that I’d rather not offer face-to-face sessions if we had to wear them. Five months on and I’m having to think again. Whilst many of the people I work with are content to remain on online or phone platforms, a few are keen to get back into the room to meet face-to-face. So I’m doing what we have to do when changes occur…adapting to the situation. Meeting face-to-face won’t be mandatory but it feels important to begin to offer this platform to those who would really benefit from it as long as we can do this in a safe (enough) way. I imagine a flexible attitude towards session platforms whilst maintaining the therapeutic frame in other aspects.

I’m sure many therapists have had conversations with their clients and supervisees about how different each platform might feel to each individual and I imagine having those same sorts of conversations in the coming weeks regarding the mandatory use of face coverings. Some won’t want to try it, some may try it and revert back to online work, others will simply be relieved to be back in 3D however that can happen. What feels key to me is that we honour diversity in all its forms. Whilst I can’t imagine being able to cope with wearing a face covering all day, particularly during the summer, I am prepared to try it and see what it feels like both for me and the other person in the room with me. I will be assessing how each client feels about it, but also how I experience it. Can I maintain my standards behind/looking at a face covering as this is not something I am used to? How will I know? 

A few days ago I ventured into the bank in town. It was one of my first trips out since lockdown began. It dawned on me, emotionally, wearing a face covering and sat opposite someone wearing a visor and gloves behind a screen that this is what the ‘new normal’ was going to look like and that I had to engage in a huge shift mentally if I was to adapt to the change in the sad reality we find ourselves in. 

So, here I am having discussions with people about whether they would prefer to stay online or try face-to-face sessions with face coverings. Of course, some people will be exempt so individual conversations will need to take place. This raises a question for me about exemption rules: I will not be asking for proof of exemption. I will explain the exemption rules and trust that the people I work with know themselves better than I do and don’t have to prove who they are. Many of the people I work with already have to prove they are using the correct toilet, that they are disabled enough, that they are trans enough, so I won’t be adding to the indignity of requesting proof of exemption.

In the safety of home it has been possible to pretend, albeit momentarily, that the pandemic was simply a nightmare and all will be well tomorrow. But here is the reality: COVID-19 will be with us for the foreseeable future and we need to find ways to continue with living and working rather than putting life on hold until it’s all over. 

Weathering The Storm

Will Davies 24 July 2020

Weathering the storm – 3 tips for not letting lockdown take you down

Change is an essential part of our lives, there’s just no getting away from it and as a counsellor, it’s a common thread that runs through my work. Often a client is seeking counselling to elicit change in themselves or their situation but what’s stopping them is their relationship with change, and it’s this that forms the basis of the work. So, after working as a counsellor for a number of years now, you think I’d be a dab hand at change myself, and being honest, I thought so too, but that was until the lockdown in Leicester got extended.

2 steps forward 1 step back

If you’re not aware, in late June, the government, having identified a surge in cases of Covid-19 in the east of the city, extended the lockdown in Leicester and a number of outlying areas. It happened quickly, announced Monday and implemented Tuesday, with the main message being stay in your home as much as you can. I think it’s fair to say that the fallout of this decision was felt by everyone in Leicester and the surrounding areas. In some cases, there was a feeling that we were being singled out and in others, a sense that the rest of the country saw us as pariahs. My own emotional response to the extension was an overwhelming sense of anger and frustration, specifically at having to take an enforced 1 step back after a very much needed 2 steps forward, (out of county trips were planned, my mother was due to visit that weekend). In addition, I also started to catastrophise that things might not improve and we might never get out of lockdown. Of course, I knew that these responses to the change weren’t ‘mature’ or ‘rational’, but they were real to me and so there was a need to address and try to overcome them.

Nearly a month later, I have found the following three ‘tips’ to be the most beneficial in coping with life in extended Leicester lockdown:

1. What can you change?

In terms of my anger, I identified what I could actually change about the situation myself. Alas, government decision making is out of my control, as is whether someone else chooses to break the lockdown and go on holiday, but what I can do is commit to reducing my negative feelings through regular exercise (yoga and walking) and regular instances of self-care (journaling and cooking comfort food). I also consciously decided to talk openly within my social circle about how I felt and admit that I was unhappy. The release of these thoughts and feelings was met with empathy and made the ‘load’ feel a lot lighter.

2. Dial it down

I made the decision to turn my back on the profusion of lockdown related news, updates and social media that had previously kept me up till the early hours. I’m not an expert on virus transmission, so why was I feeling the need to know everything? What purpose was it serving other than overloading me with unnecessary information? So I dialled it down, took a step away from the town square and instantly began to feel much better for it.

3. Take the smooth with the rough

Lastly, rather than dwell on what I thought I was missing out on due to the extension, I started to refocus on enjoying the benefits of lockdown again. The ‘threat’ of having to do a commute and return to an open plan office for one of my roles, was no longer there. The money I would usually be spending in bars, pubs and cafes is still in my bank account and so for the first time ever July and August are not coming in wildly overbudget. More lie-ins, more Netflix, hello Disney+, more times with the family and now that the school summer holidays have begun, no need to try and dredge up the memory of what a quadratic equation is. You might think I was naively looking on the bright side, but in making myself try and turn the lemon that is lockdown into lemonade, I feel able to keep going, keep working and carry on until the next announcement.

Be prepared

Everyone is different of course, so I realise that some of these tips might not work for you. However, I do think that starting to develop your own healthy coping strategies, for when more inevitable Covid-19 related changes happen, will be time well spent. That way, you won’t be caught on the hop like I was, without an umbrella.

Black Lives Matter: It begins at home

Brunhild Abrahams 6 July 2020

My experience of watching the video of the white Police Officer killing a black man named, George Floyd by kneeling on his neck because of his skin colour was like watching a horror movie based on a real life story, streaming live! I was shocked, emotional and felt sick to the core but knew the importance of watching the video clip to the end and acknowledging my feelings.

I’ve realised that as a South African mixed-race child now an adult, I have become so accustomed to racism in SA, which is scary.  It also makes me feel really angry not just because it exists but because I am still allowing it to affect me. The first memory that popped up was that we could not share a public swimming pool with white people.  On the other hand, whenever the bin Lorries would come around, adults would scare us as children and say the ‘booty’ (a black man) would catch us if we didn’t listen. I must admit since experiencing life in the UK, I felt a sense of equality and diversity and became more confident of my voice as a person of mixed-race.

Then I questioned what impact could that have had on the mixed and black races of SA?! Well, this is my thesis to the sad and realistic sub-conscious outcome; even though our mothers and fathers (my biological father was one of them) protested against racism, they were still unable to bring changes because of the law.  As children, we might have learned to accept the discrimination and unfair behaviour from white people because our parents had to, which could have made us feel hopeless and helpless. Growing up, we might have internalised that behaviour which might have ‘crippled’ the majority of us sub-consciously, believing that we are incapable of standing up for ourselves or being leaders of any kind etc. Even though I can acknowledge the pain and suffering racism have caused me and my race, there was still a possibility for us to thrive and succeed through education and hard work, where for the black race, it was made nearly impossible.

WHY??!!

It is 2020 and we are still, like we’ve heard so many times on the news and social media, after 400 years+ dealing with systemic racism that is rooted into the psyche of the people?! With the exception of some white people, who gave white people the right to make THE decision to segregate us all as a human race, to treat people unfairly ONLY because of the colour of their skin, to create economic exploitation with slavery??!! It really hit hard when a 36 year old black man was sobbing and pleading to a 16 year old at a protest for their generation to come up with a better way of fighting for justice because his generation and the ones before were unable to because, he said, white people will always try to come up with a better way.  It should be simple right? If white people could learn how to create racism, they can unlearn it because they weren’t born with it = NO EXCUSE FOR CHANGE so let’s have a serious chat and demand that change now, not later! Not just racism but also the impact poverty, Covid-19, lost of employment and healthcare has on Black, Asian & Minority Ethnic (BAME) groups including Native Americans and the LGBTQ+ community.

Sadly it was at the cost of George Floyd’s privacy when he passed away for the world, the BAME & LGBTQ+ community to metaphorically see how systemic racism has its ‘knee on all of our necks’.  I’ve read in an article a black man consciously made a decision to never leave his house without his daughters or his dog because that would present to the Police that he is a family man and a good citizen. Is that not an ‘emotional jail’ they are trapped in every single day of their lives and WHY??!! Wouldn’t that be exhausting, painful, cause enrage in anyone if they had to live in fear only because of the colour of their skin?

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! IT’S TIME FOR A SUSTAINABLE CHANGE!! That is why the world came together to protest and fight for justice and is unapologetically demanding for transformative policy change. Starting with basic human needs (Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs), respect, inclusion, compassion = Equality, Diversity, Justice = Unprecedented reckoning of the ongoing legacy of slavery economic reform for equality. THE POWER LIES WITH THE PEOPLE.

 I would recommend everyone to watch an Anti-Racism Exercise called the “Blue eyes/Brown eyes” experiment illustrated by Jane Elliott, a teacher of 25 years teaching race relations https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebPoSMULI5U&t=1062s. I get emotional and have a sense of relief every time I watch it because it’s the way Jane highlights, as a white woman with blue eyes, how racism is engrained into society.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ― Nelson Mandela

This is an opportunity for every person around the globe to take responsibility and check where we need to educate ourselves on racism and take action with the focus of sustainability and breaking segregation. WHERE BETTER THAN TO START AT HOME? I have learnt so much (a new ‘language’) over the last couple of weeks and realised, even I have some white privilege. Before my son walks out of the front door, I will ask him not to forget to greet, say please, thank you but a black parent has to ask their son to not wear a hoody, to remember the goal is to get home safely and not put their hands in their pockets, etc.  I know I can rely on the Police if I had to call them so I can’t imagine what a black person must feel like if they don’t get a similar fair service.

I am definitely educating my children on racism, equality and diversity because my son has already experienced racism and it can happen to anyone at any time. I will take a page from my parent’s book by the way they’ve brought me up by taking us into a township mainly consisting of black residence.  There, we’ve met a warm, loving, strong and well respected black woman who introduced us to their culture and everyday living. Thanks to them, I am able to look at humanity with an eye of equality, respect and understanding not just by words but first by feeling, emotion and deed.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, so why don’t we put that into action as a human race, look out for one another and form a multi-cultural community.  Uncover the hidden prejudice that shapes what we see, think and do to make sure we, our children and future generations will be treated with justice and dignity because all that we are really seeking for at the end is equality and not revenge.  So, why not invite your friends of different race and cultures to your home or community centre not just for a lunch or a BBQ but with the meaning of educating each other and showing real interest on how rich and valuable our differences are to one another. 

“The time is always right to do what is right” – Martin Luther King Jr.

Book suggestions:

  • Biased – Jennifer Eberhardt, PhD
  • How To Be An Antiracist – Ibram X. Kendi
  • Our Time Is Now – Stacey Abrams

Considering Online Therapy?

Tracey Thomas 25 June 2020

For many years a small number of clients and therapists have been working online while the majority of therapeutic relationships have been conducted face to face. A short while ago that flipped in the UK, with most clients and therapists switching to working together online to support the reduction of the spread of COVID-19.  This means that more therapists than ever before are available for online work. But what is right for you?

Some clients have always appreciated online therapy because it allows them to attend when they wouldn’t otherwise be able to. For example, people who work away from home. Others have accessed therapy online because they want a therapist with a particular skill set that can’t be found in their geographical area.

Some clients have regular face to face therapy and access therapy online or by phone occasionally when away from home.  Others would rather take a break from therapy when away from home as for them, the therapy room, the journey to and from the room and the experience of having a break are important parts of the therapeutic process.

Many professional organisations are saying that many people would benefit from mental health support as a result of the stress and anxiety that they are experiencing due to the response to COVID-19. At the same time, there are fewer face to face sessions available while many therapists continue to work only online to reduce the spread of the disease.

So what might be helpful to consider if you are weighing up on line therapy now versus waiting to have face to face therapy?

  • What is it that you need just now?

Were you generally happy with life “before” but the stress that many are currently feeling means that you could do with some help just now? Will waiting be unhelpful?

  • What is it that you want in the longer term?

Do you have a long term difficulty that you want to address that the current situation has highlighted in a way that has led you to realise that you want help now? Would one or two sessions at this time be helpful so that you can deal with what is most pressing? Could you then leave the therapeutic door open to come back to the longer term difficulties when you have more energy and can meet face to face? Will tackling the difficulty once everything else has calmed down be more helpful?

  • How do you feel about online interaction?

What has been your experience of online interactions before and during lock down? How comfortable do you feel interacting with people online? To what extent have you noticed yourself interacting differently one to one online than you would in person? How have your recent interactions left you feeling about meeting people online? To what extent might working with a therapist online, help you with your day to day online interactions or hinder you from building a relationship with your therapist?

  • How free will you be to speak?

Where will you have your online conversations with your therapist? How safe does that space feel to you? What concerns do you have about being overheard?  What will be the impact on you if you are not able to speak freely to your therapist? How might you overcome this? Where could you go safely with sufficient Wi-Fi signal or data coverage to have these conversations?

  • How will you transition back to your household role?

What will happen immediately after the end of a session? Where will you be? Who else will be there? What will you expect of yourself? What space can you give yourself if you need some time to collect your thoughts? How much freedom will you have to be sad / angry / self absorbed if that is what you need for a little while? To what extent can you park these thoughts and feelings until later in the day? Could you take a walk straight afterwards to give yourself some time to think?

In stereotypical therapist fashion, I am giving you lots of questions but not many answers. I hope that some of these questions might be helpful in developing your thinking and moving you towards making a useful decision.

JK Rowling’s open letter

I have some thoughts about the recent media row between JK Rowling’s open letter and some trans activists…

Fear seems to be at the heart of the argument. Fear of difference, fear of the unknown, fear of harm and fear of erasure.

Inclusive language

In the initial Tweet, Rowling takes umbrage with the inclusive language “those who menstruate” which includes trans men and non-binary individuals who are not women but who may still menstruate. It’s hard (for me) to see why the inclusion of these groups seems to undermine a sense of ‘woman’ for those who were assigned female at birth and feel that’s the right category for them (cis-gender).

Rowling has clearly had some awful experiences in the past. However, she seems to be confusing all trans women (those assigned male at birth) as predatory and male as though these are linked. They are not. People of all genders can be predatory and abusive. Rowling talks about being ‘triggered’ and it sounds like she might need some additional support for that so she isn’t assuming all men are evil or trans women might want to harm her. One point she seems to miss completely is the vast majority of trans women feel shame around certain parts of their bodies. The last thing on their minds is to expose themselves others.

Binary thinking

It appears she is also operating from a binary male/female perspective in terms of sex which is long outdated and incorrect. Whilst the two most common categories for sex characteristics and chromosomes are male/female, there are also a number of intersex categories. This is aside from any sense of gender identity which is more of a felt experience rather than something that can be ‘tested’ for. What it immediately highlights is that sex and gender is not a binary system, much as it might be safer to think in these terms.

Equality for all genders

Far from eroding the category of woman, supporting equality for all genders adds weight to equality for women. First we need to widen the legal definition of sex so that intersex individuals are included rather than excluded. This will undoubtedly complicate areas of research where so much focus is placed on the binary sex marker. I have no doubt that what we’d see is simply variation within any given category.

JK Rowling’s open letter voices concern re safeguarding children as though by being more inclusive of trans rights we somehow make children less safe; this is simple scaremongering tactics based on her own fears. We are all entitled to our own opinion; we also need to understand the emotion behind the position. It’s no wonder Rowling feels so strongly given her early experiences. Trans individuals feel equally strongly because of the oppression they face day after day.

De-transition rates

Rowling talks about de-transition rates. There will always be people who find it wasn’t the right approach for them. Many of these might be non-binary rather than trans. The more support we can give these individuals the less regret we might see. However, the de-transition rates remains very low. Currently the system still favours those who transition from one side of the binary to ‘the other’ rather than enabling the freedom to simply be whoever they are with all their complexities. Rowling also talks about people transitioning rather than living with the oppression of being gay/lesbian. Surely our efforts need to focus on making it OK to be gay/lesbian rather than to further oppress a particular group?

Is it OK to disagree with Rowling? Sure. Is it OK to be hounded with death-threats? Quite frankly, no! She is entitled to her opinion. Whilst it’s one I do not share, behaving in an abusive way towards her simply feeds the negativity. It also confirms for her that trans women are indeed scary beings who want to harm her. As someone with such a high profile I do think she has a duty of care to better educate herself and to be more aware of the impact of her comments on those who face oppression. Her books have given many people the hope that love and respect will win in the end. Even though not a single character of hers was trans or non-binary.

Transition rates

JK Rowling’s open letter speaks about being concerned about the increase in people seeking transition. It is inevitable that the numbers will increase as people see that it is a possibility for them. Surely this is a positive step; to know that people previously desperately unhappy are now able to receive the support and interventions they require.

Rowling suggests she might have become a man herself “to turn into the son her father always wanted”. Like that’s the reason people are transitioning and would be supported by the health care system. The suggestion is that transitioning is an easy process! Perhaps she is not aware of the incredibly lengthy, and oft times humiliating hurdles that need to be overcome to arrive at a point of transition. Particularly if medical and/or surgical interventions are required.

The way forward

So, I’m left wondering what the way forward might be. We have a situation where some women are deeply frightened of being attacked by someone they have placed into a non-woman category. We also have trans and non-binary people needing safe spaces. Especially to go to the toilet and use changing rooms without being attacked. Instead of attacking each other, how can we work together with an understanding that both groups feel the terror of oppression and abuse?

I’m back to thoughts around fear and erasure. The way forward is surely in ensuring visibility and equality for all? In terms of equality, it might be difficult for women to think of themselves as both oppressed and privileged. Oppressed by men and also with privilege that trans and non-binary individuals don’t yet have. With greater visibility for women (including trans women) and non-binary people, there’s a greater sense of empowerment for all. It’s important to know where we have privilege and where we experience oppression. Together we are stronger.

Past, present or future? A way of coping during lock down.

Will Davies  May 19th 2020

Since lockdown started I’ve consciously been thinking about things related to my past; friendships from childhood, songs I used to dance to and previous jobs that made me feel like I had the world at my feet. These things remind me of good, perhaps simpler more optimistic, times, that sit in direct contrast to the (necessarily) regimented and more restrictive way that we’re all presently living in. It’s as though thinking about the past has become a coping strategy, a way of protecting myself against the stresses of the current situation, until a time when I feel I can engage with it more in the present and think about what my future might look like post lock down.

Judging by all the video calls, social media and news stories that are doing the rounds at the moment, I’ve noticed that other people are doing things a bit differently.  For some focussing on the present seems to be helping them get through, whether it be developing skills they previously never had the time to do or setting up and hosting various Zoom chats and quizzes. For others, this focussing on the present is a necessary means for them to just get through the day, blinkers on, heads down as it were. And then there are those who are choosing to invest in the future as their coping strategy; fixed, and in some cases banking, on a time when this is all over and ‘normal service’ can be resumed.

If you’re finding living in the lock down hard, maybe consciously choosing to safely think about your past, present or future, as a form of coping strategy will help. For example, if the future seems scary, perhaps try to ‘stay’ in the present for now or if the present feels intolerable, how about harking back to more enjoyable past times or do some planning for a future when things will be more bearable? Whatever your situation, if it helps you get through these difficult times and you stay safe doing so, there’s no shame in consciously withdrawing to a more comforting past, no guilt in choosing to just survive day by day and nothing wrong with wishing the time away and planning for tomorrow. You don’t have to do all three, all of the time.

So for me, right now, I’m happy to live in the past. Now please excuse me whilst I go and get my ghetto blaster from the loft.  

Find out more about coping strategies during Covid-19 here:

10 tips to help if you are worried about the coronavirus – https://www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/coronavirus-covid-19-anxiety-tips/
COVID-19 – coping techniques – https://www.saferplaces.co.uk/blog/covid-19-coping-techniques
Weird and wonderful ways to get through the covid 19 lockdown – https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/23/weird-and-wonderful-ways-to-get-through-the-covid-19-lockdown