Category Archives: Uncategorized

Why self-care isn’t selfish in these difficult times…or ever.

Will Davies  April 28th 2020

Prioritising self-care is a topic I discuss a lot in my counselling room and often clients associate the idea of it with being selfish and uncaring. Sometimes this belief is inherited learning from an external influencer such as parents, friends or their community and other times it’s more internal, often stemming from a sense of low self-esteem. Whatever the reason, for them to put themselves before others just doesn’t come naturally.    

For me though, prioritising self-care has the potential to do a lot of good, not just for the individual but for their networks too. For example, something as small as scheduling in some exercise or watching your favourite movie and making sure it happens is proven to have a beneficial effect on your mental or physical health, which in turn makes you better able to juggle all the other aspects and responsibilities of your busy day.

When Covid-19 turned the world upside down, I realised that in order to best get through it, I needed to ‘practice what I preach’ and make sure to prioritise self-care in order to best look after my family, my friends and neighbours and my livelihood. Amongst other things, this has meant; taking the pressure off myself to achieve work-wise, sticking to my morning yoga routine when the kids want their breakfast, taking time to Zoom friends regularly and for once having a long bath instead of a quick shower.   

And so far, so good. The work still gets done, the children and garden are fed and watered (eventually) and I’m able to read the news without thinking the end of the world is nigh. In fact, there’s a part of me that is starting to see the current situation as an opportunity to maintain more of a consistent self-caring approach to myself, once the lock down has ended and some sort of semblance to normality has returned.

I know for a lot of people it is difficult for them to put themselves first. Caring for their families, the upkeep of their houses, the education of their children all seem to take precedence, but as a suggestion of something that might help you get through these difficult times, why not schedule some mandatory time in your day to exercise self-care? Putting yourself first isn’t selfish if it helps you keep going during these difficult times.

Find out more about self-care here:

What does ‘self-care’ mean and how can it help? – NHS blog

How can I help myself? – Mind website

Baines-Ball & Associates blogs

Three little things

Tracey Thomas  March 25th 2020

Over the last two weeks most of us have spent a lot of time hearing, thinking and talking about our worldwide, local and individual response to COVID-19. It can be anxiety provoking for many, for all sorts of different reasons and in all sorts of different ways. With social distancing and “stay at home” can come the feeling of having to face this either alone, or at least without our usual resources.

If you want to lower your own anxiety here are three little ideas for things that you can do to help.

Focus on gratitude.

Make a list of what you have that you are especially grateful for just now. This might be having radish seeds to grow in your window box, a neighbour who has offered to fetch your shopping if you need to stay at home or the fact that your parents have Skype on their tablet and you can have regular chats with them. Focusing on the good things that you do have can help the challenges seem more manageable.

Stay in the present

The human mind is really good at imagining disasters that haven’t happened yet and we can accidentally end up facing more and larger challenges in our imagination than we actually need to handle just now. It’s helpful to plan for the future and take some practical steps to be prepared. However, we are often overwhelmed when we try to solve tomorrow’s imagined problems today. If we just try to solve today’s challenges we stand a much better chance of success, calm and happiness. So focus on what it is that you need for today and give your energy to that.

Michelle Seabrook has written a blog which covers a number of helpful practical responses to the situation. http://www.laurabainescounselling.co.uk/blog/post/d1549e2f-1e10-4522-b61b-17f253f3a59f

Help someone else.

One of the best ways to reduce our own feelings of helplessness is to help someone else. Can you offer to pick up your neighbour’s prescriptions? If you are self isolating at home, can you entertain your grandchildren by playing “Frustration!” with them over Zoom? Is there a volunteer organisation in your area where you can help? https://valonline.org.uk/covid-19-coronavirus-support-volunteers/

These are just three little ideas but I hope that they will lead you to have a lot more.

The ‘look’ of contagion

On one of my daily walks during the lockdown a villager struck up a conversation (keeping the required distance) about how she felt like a leper during the lockdown because people were moving away from her and viewing her with something akin to suspicion, a fear of potential contamination. I empathised with her and went about my walk but it got me thinking…that ‘look’ she was describing is similar to something I have experienced most of my life.

As a non-binary, gender non-confirming individual I am all too familiar with that look. I experience looks of questioning, hostility, judgement, suspicion, derision, disgust on a daily basis. Whilst I’m aware it absolutely does have an impact, it’s so frequent it almost feels ‘normal’. What this person was describing was something that felt different (for them) during the restrictions. For me, it feels more like a deeper connection with society as I’m suddenly part of the ‘majority’. So strangely, it’s feeling more positive for me.

I count myself in a fortunate position during the lockdown. I have a home to go to; a place I consider my sanctuary – a place where it’s safe to simply be me. What about the people who have to be isolated or restricted living with those who do not accept, support, embrace or, even worse, deride those different to themselves? The isolation, the shame, the fear they will be facing will no doubt be difficult to comprehend by those who have never had to think about it before.

What about the people who are victims of domestic abuse? The terror and fear, knowing those small moments to escape have been removed during lockdown.

What about the people who have no home at all? With no shops, churches, pubs, restaurants open, there is virtually nowhere a homeless person can take refuge or go to the toilet. Basic needs simply not met; the humiliation of having to defecate in the street.

We all have our anxieties about COVID-19; some about contracting it, some more about the financial implication of contracts stopped or on hold, some the fear of the loss of loved ones. I’m aware of another group: those gloating that they have enough money, enough food in the freezer to last so they’re not only OK but enjoying seeing others suffer. Isn’t it interesting what this pandemic evokes in people?

Whatever your position, however you are impacted, I encourage us to look at the ‘how is this impacting me?’, ‘how can I help myself?’, and ‘how can I help my fellow human?’ to maintain a balance of self-care and appreciation for those in a different situation to ourselves.

Holding onto “ordinary life” in extraordinary circumstances

Michelle Seabrook  March 18th 2020

1.The mixed bag of feelings.
Everyone will be experiencing a different emotional reaction to the current situation, such as fear, anxiety, distress, denial, loss, anger, or hope; either in isolation or as a rollercoaster ride. Remember, this is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. Life as you know it has been turned upside down. So, whatever you are feeling, that is okay. Others around you may be in a very different emotional state, and that too is okay. Try and keep some perspective that both your feelings and others’ emotions will change, and it is normal to feel differently to others at different times. There will be peaks and troughs and this is all to be expected. Express yourself: write, draw, or speak to others about how you are feeling. If you need a professional ear, many therapists are offering online sessions, so it’s worth seeking these out.

2. Fail to prepare?
If you have to self-isolate when you are well, preparation will be your best friend! It can be really important to your well-being to have a plan of things you can do, such as:

· Continue with existing things you enjoy at home and access new skills you can learn, there are many ways you can expand your mind from your armchair, it doesn’t all have to be about binge-watching boxsets.

· Stay in touch with people, you may need to think creatively about how you can maintain a connection with others. For example, if you attend a regular social group this could be conducted remotely by using an online platform. Agree to talk at regular times. Use whatever tech you can to keep in touch.

· Exercise is essential, but you don’t need to don the lycra! Think of exercise as ‘movement’, whether that is having a kitchen dance off with the kids or gardening, there are many ways you can get your body moving. Getting fresh air really will make a difference.

· Timetabling these home-based events is key. Try stick to the plan as much as possible and include all of the household in your prep, so that everyone is on board and can contribute to what will help them too. In this time of uncertainty and lack of control, developing a sense of agency can really help.

If you need to self-isolate due to illness, again planning can be really helpful. Reach out to close neighbours or friends who you can ask to run errands or supply you with everyday needs. Local communities may have already set up ‘isolation plans or teams’ on social media so these are worth seeking out. Please, ask for help when you need to. Helping each other is the key.

3. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to work we go…
If you are now working from home for social distancing measures: set up your home office to be as practical as possible. Follow your normal working routine and keep your boundaries e.g. start and finish at your normal time, and take your usual breaks. Context markers can be very helpful: wear what you would normally wear for work (however tempting pyjamas are!) and have items around you that remind you of your usual working environment, such as paperwork, folders, cups, stationery etc.

4. Last thoughts:
Remember, what helps in these uncertain times is when people pull together. A sense of community is about fairness for all, so no hoarding. Developing a ‘we’ or ‘community’ stance during these difficult times is far more helpful than an ‘I’ stance. Keeping the most vulnerable at the forefront of your mind can help put things into perspective.

Let’s hope that when ordinary life resumes, we will emerge out of this extraordinary situation with an increased sense of community and hope.

Stay well, Michelle

#covid19UK

Gender Neutral School Uniforms

I’ve been reading about a school who has introduced a ‘gender neutral’ school uniform. Much to the frustration of pupils and parents. I share their frustration. Not because I am not in favour of gender neutral uniforms but because I am not in favour of imposing gendered clothing on anyone. Essentially what this school has done is remove skirts from the uniform. This is allegedly in support of trans students. So now all students must wear trousers originally allocated only for boys. Perhaps what would be truly inclusive would be to have a set uniform with items being chosen by individuals. This would enable any student who wishes to wear a skirt to wear one, including trans students. Similarly regarding trousers.

Skirts and trousers

As a society, what is so frightening or challenging about a boy, someone who is non-binary, trans or is exploring their gender identity wearing a skirt? Might it be a thread to an era where male dominance was more visible? When and why has it become acceptable for girls/women to wear trousers but not acceptable for boys/men to wear skirts? During and after the war, women were drafted into roles traditionally held by men. Accordingly, it became acceptable for women to wear clothing more appropriate for the role. Men haven’t been drafted en mass into roles historically assigned to women so the equivalent in relation to clothing hasn’t happened. Also, it might be that society can tolerate the idea of a women ‘wanting to be or be like a man’ but struggles to comprehend why a man might ‘want to be or be like a woman’. 

Gender is nuanced

Gender is much more nuanced than simply assessing genitalia. We could better support our young people by modelling inclusivity and respect irrespective of identity, race, religion, disability etc. Approximately 1.7 – 2 % of the population are intersex (replicated within the student population) (Hines & Taylor 2018). To not include intersex students would be statistically akin to saying all pupils with red hair have to assign themselves to a blonde or brunette category because we don’t cater for ‘red’. In addition, at least 0.4% of the UK population identify as non-binary when given a choice of male, female and non-binary (which included a number of specific identities) (practicalandrogyny.com). 

For some, the gender assigned to them at birth simply doesn’t fit. For some, it’s clear from an early age and for others it takes time to reach a conclusion. There are many possibilities regarding gender identity but it’s important to include non-binary and intersex identities for whom trying to fit into a binary category simply doesn’t work and these are groups that get further marginalised and erased by referring only to binary trans identities. At worst this has the potential to generate internalised shame and subsequent mental health problems. At best it can make school life far more challenging than it needs to be. 

True equality is about facilitating choice/preference rather than imposing our choices/preferences on others. The latter is called oppression. Gender neutral school uniforms are needed to young people can explore and discover who they are without having an identify imposed on them.

Is Gender Fluid? Sally Hines and Matthew Taylor 2018