What is mindfulness?

The Oxford dictionary definition is:

“The quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.”

So why are Gwyneth Paltrow and Jonny Wilkinson interested in it?

There is a lot of evidence that mindfulness practice can

• reduce pain;
• improve sleep;
• reduce the impact that stress has on the mind and body;
• improve concentration; and
• increase happiness.

So a lot of people are interested in at least one of those things for themselves.

How did you discover the practice of mindfulness?

I read a book to understand the science behind it and get familiar with the available evidence for its benefits (Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Piatkus 2013). I then went on an introductory course run by Shehzad Malik (mindful-monkey.com) and followed a six-week guided meditation programme of 45 mins per day, six days per week using Kabat-Zinn’s book and his Guided Mindfulness Meditation CD.

How difficult was it to begin with?

In some ways the guided meditation part was easy, all I had to do was sit with the CD and pay attention. In other ways it was tricky, my mind kept wandering off as human minds do. During one particular practice (the “body scan”) I would always fall asleep and I wondered whether I was getting any benefit from doing it. However, I found that this six week guided practice gave me a good grounding that allowed me to develop my mindfulness in everyday life.

What difference has it made for you?

The first thing I noticed was that my memory functioned more effectively. Instead of remembering that I “should have” brought something with me five minutes after leaving home, the item would pop into my mind in the moments before I left, so I had time to pick it up and bring it with me.

I no longer feel frustrated by short delays (in traffic, in a queue, waiting for someone) and I take the opportunity to use one of the practices that I have become familiar with.

I notice the difference most in conversations. I am better and more often able to take a “third position” where part of my brain can observe myself and others from outside myself and gain a different perspective than the one I have from inside me looking out.

A friend of mine believes that my reactions are quicker and I am better at catching things – but this hasn’t been scientifically proven!

And now?

I currently use guided meditation podcasts (such as marc.ucla.edu/meditation-at-the-hammer) which vary in length from 3 min to 30 min to fit in with the time I have available, such as while food is cooking or when I am a few minutes early for an appointment. I also practice while cleaning my teeth and washing up.

And what about the sleeping?

I have always slept well so mindfulness didn’t have any space to improve my sleep quality. However, the learning from falling asleep during every “body scan” has incentivised me to change my bedtime routine and I am now hardly ever tired.

Do you use mindfulness techniques within your work as a therapist?

The adoption of the “third position” fits well with my therapy training and supports my focus on the client within a therapy session. Part of the way I work is to try to help clients increase their awareness of their thoughts and feelings so this fits nicely too.

How do you see mindfulness benefiting clients, particularly those who experience anxiety and depression?

Some of my clients have discovered the benefits of mindfulness for themselves while others have tried it and it hasn’t made sense to them at the time. It can be helpful for people suffering from anxiety or depression as it can help them put their habitual thoughts into perspective. People suffering from panic attacks can find it particularly helpful in understanding their body sensations and giving them back a sense of control.

What do you feel are some of the contributory factors for needing mindfulness

Like drinking plenty of water, having sufficient sleep and taking regular exercise, I see mindfulness as helpful to everyone. It seems to be especially helpful to people who feel bombarded by the number of things coming at them in the modern world and who want to reduce the amount of stress that this induces in them.

How can I find out more?

Check out the NHS guide to mindfulness:https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mindfulness/

In the aftermath of another celebrity suicide death I have been thinking about the consequences of internalised shame…

All too often the shame simply becomes too big to survive. There are so many situations where we can internalise shame…not feeling like we fit into a group such as not appearing British enough, woman enough, man enough, trans enough, white enough, black enough etc. We are given so many signals growing up and into adulthood as to what is socially un/acceptable and if we happen to fit the ‘wrong’ category the shame carried can be fatally toxic. Finances is often another big driver for suicide; the ultimate cost being the life of someone who feels shamed that they have failed their family. 

The internet is great for helping those in marginalised groups being able to find information, community and support. 41% of trans people will have at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime. I’m sure the sense of community provided online helps to keep the number from being higher than this. It’s too high though. Shockingly high. One of the contributory factors…social media. So the internet both helps and hinders. People so often find their voice of hatred whilst protected behind a technological screen…some have little thought for the consequences, others post in the full knowledge and hope of causing distress. What readily gets missed is that hatred is so often fuelled by fear, fear of difference, fear of change, fear of our assumptions being shown to be incorrect, fear that we will be shown to be lacking in some way. . 

The language we use around suicide also has an impact. The term ‘committed suicide’ is rather outdated now and harks back to an area where it was illegal to end one’s own life. More recent terminology such as ‘taken their own life’ or ‘death by suicide’ have a less stigmatising effect both for the individual and for those left in grief. 

And then, of course, there are those left behind. Suicide loss is a bereavement like no other. It’s incredibly difficult to process and integrate into life. There are so often more questions than there are answers; questions that inevitably can never be answered. It leaves a particular scar, often laced with shame and so the cycle potentially continues.

So, the next time you take to social media, take a deep breath and ask yourself what the impact of the post might be. It’s OK to challenge, to disagree but it’s so shaming and wounding to be targeted by hatred. We need to each own our fears about things we don’t agree with or don’t understand. The cumulative effect could be an end to a life. 

Will Davies 24 July 2020

Weathering the storm – 3 tips for not letting lockdown take you down

Change is an essential part of our lives, there’s just no getting away from it and as a counsellor, it’s a common thread that runs through my work. Often a client is seeking counselling to elicit change in themselves or their situation but what’s stopping them is their relationship with change, and it’s this that forms the basis of the work. So, after working as a counsellor for a number of years now, you think I’d be a dab hand at change myself, and being honest, I thought so too, but that was until the lockdown in Leicester got extended.

2 steps forward 1 step back

If you’re not aware, in late June, the government, having identified a surge in cases of Covid-19 in the east of the city, extended the lockdown in Leicester and a number of outlying areas. It happened quickly, announced Monday and implemented Tuesday, with the main message being stay in your home as much as you can. I think it’s fair to say that the fallout of this decision was felt by everyone in Leicester and the surrounding areas. In some cases, there was a feeling that we were being singled out and in others, a sense that the rest of the country saw us as pariahs. My own emotional response to the extension was an overwhelming sense of anger and frustration, specifically at having to take an enforced 1 step back after a very much needed 2 steps forward, (out of county trips were planned, my mother was due to visit that weekend). In addition, I also started to catastrophise that things might not improve and we might never get out of lockdown. Of course, I knew that these responses to the change weren’t ‘mature’ or ‘rational’, but they were real to me and so there was a need to address and try to overcome them.

Nearly a month later, I have found the following three ‘tips’ to be the most beneficial in coping with life in extended Leicester lockdown:

1. What can you change?

In terms of my anger, I identified what I could actually change about the situation myself. Alas, government decision making is out of my control, as is whether someone else chooses to break the lockdown and go on holiday, but what I can do is commit to reducing my negative feelings through regular exercise (yoga and walking) and regular instances of self-care (journaling and cooking comfort food). I also consciously decided to talk openly within my social circle about how I felt and admit that I was unhappy. The release of these thoughts and feelings was met with empathy and made the ‘load’ feel a lot lighter.

2. Dial it down

I made the decision to turn my back on the profusion of lockdown related news, updates and social media that had previously kept me up till the early hours. I’m not an expert on virus transmission, so why was I feeling the need to know everything? What purpose was it serving other than overloading me with unnecessary information? So I dialled it down, took a step away from the town square and instantly began to feel much better for it.

3. Take the smooth with the rough

Lastly, rather than dwell on what I thought I was missing out on due to the extension, I started to refocus on enjoying the benefits of lockdown again. The ‘threat’ of having to do a commute and return to an open plan office for one of my roles, was no longer there. The money I would usually be spending in bars, pubs and cafes is still in my bank account and so for the first time ever July and August are not coming in wildly overbudget. More lie-ins, more Netflix, hello Disney+, more times with the family and now that the school summer holidays have begun, no need to try and dredge up the memory of what a quadratic equation is. You might think I was naively looking on the bright side, but in making myself try and turn the lemon that is lockdown into lemonade, I feel able to keep going, keep working and carry on until the next announcement.

Be prepared

Everyone is different of course, so I realise that some of these tips might not work for you. However, I do think that starting to develop your own healthy coping strategies, for when more inevitable Covid-19 related changes happen, will be time well spent. That way, you won’t be caught on the hop like I was, without an umbrella.

Will Davies  May 19th 2020

Since lockdown started I’ve consciously been thinking about things related to my past; friendships from childhood, songs I used to dance to and previous jobs that made me feel like I had the world at my feet. These things remind me of good, perhaps simpler more optimistic, times, that sit in direct contrast to the (necessarily) regimented and more restrictive way that we’re all presently living in. It’s as though thinking about the past has become a coping strategy, a way of protecting myself against the stresses of the current situation, until a time when I feel I can engage with it more in the present and think about what my future might look like post lock down.

Judging by all the video calls, social media and news stories that are doing the rounds at the moment, I’ve noticed that other people are doing things a bit differently.  For some focussing on the present seems to be helping them get through, whether it be developing skills they previously never had the time to do or setting up and hosting various Zoom chats and quizzes. For others, this focussing on the present is a necessary means for them to just get through the day, blinkers on, heads down as it were. And then there are those who are choosing to invest in the future as their coping strategy; fixed, and in some cases banking, on a time when this is all over and ‘normal service’ can be resumed.

If you’re finding living in the lock down hard, maybe consciously choosing to safely think about your past, present or future, as a form of coping strategy will help. For example, if the future seems scary, perhaps try to ‘stay’ in the present for now or if the present feels intolerable, how about harking back to more enjoyable past times or do some planning for a future when things will be more bearable? Whatever your situation, if it helps you get through these difficult times and you stay safe doing so, there’s no shame in consciously withdrawing to a more comforting past, no guilt in choosing to just survive day by day and nothing wrong with wishing the time away and planning for tomorrow. You don’t have to do all three, all of the time.

So for me, right now, I’m happy to live in the past. Now please excuse me whilst I go and get my ghetto blaster from the loft.  

Find out more about coping strategies during Covid-19 here:

10 tips to help if you are worried about the coronavirus – https://www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/coronavirus-covid-19-anxiety-tips/
COVID-19 – coping techniques – https://www.saferplaces.co.uk/blog/covid-19-coping-techniques
Weird and wonderful ways to get through the covid 19 lockdown – https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/23/weird-and-wonderful-ways-to-get-through-the-covid-19-lockdown

Will Davies  April 28th 2020

Prioritising self-care is a topic I discuss a lot in my counselling room and often clients associate the idea of it with being selfish and uncaring. Sometimes this belief is inherited learning from an external influencer such as parents, friends or their community and other times it’s more internal, often stemming from a sense of low self-esteem. Whatever the reason, for them to put themselves before others just doesn’t come naturally.    

For me though, prioritising self-care has the potential to do a lot of good, not just for the individual but for their networks too. For example, something as small as scheduling in some exercise or watching your favourite movie and making sure it happens is proven to have a beneficial effect on your mental or physical health, which in turn makes you better able to juggle all the other aspects and responsibilities of your busy day.

When Covid-19 turned the world upside down, I realised that in order to best get through it, I needed to ‘practice what I preach’ and make sure to prioritise self-care in order to best look after my family, my friends and neighbours and my livelihood. Amongst other things, this has meant; taking the pressure off myself to achieve work-wise, sticking to my morning yoga routine when the kids want their breakfast, taking time to Zoom friends regularly and for once having a long bath instead of a quick shower.   

And so far, so good. The work still gets done, the children and garden are fed and watered (eventually) and I’m able to read the news without thinking the end of the world is nigh. In fact, there’s a part of me that is starting to see the current situation as an opportunity to maintain more of a consistent self-caring approach to myself, once the lock down has ended and some sort of semblance to normality has returned.

I know for a lot of people it is difficult for them to put themselves first. Caring for their families, the upkeep of their houses, the education of their children all seem to take precedence, but as a suggestion of something that might help you get through these difficult times, why not schedule some mandatory time in your day to exercise self-care? Putting yourself first isn’t selfish if it helps you keep going during these difficult times.

Find out more about self-care here:

What does ‘self-care’ mean and how can it help? – NHS blog

How can I help myself? – Mind website

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