I’ve been thinking a lot recently about intentional vs unintentional harm. 

So often I hear of situations where someone is sharing their experience of harm/hurt and the listener responds with “I don’t think they would have intended to upset/get it wrong/be racist/phobic or “I didn’t intend to cause harm (and therefore I didn’t). This is such an unempathic response and it totally invalidates the first person’s experience. 

It’s a little like someone treading on your toe. Whether they do it intentionally or not, your toe will still hurt.

People are less likely to intend to harm

Accusing someone of being racist/phobic rarely ends well. People like to think of them/ourselves as good people. So being accused of something can feel really challenging. Often it’s more helpful and fruitful to call out the behaviour that is problematic rather than the person. Clearly, there are people that set out to aggravate, cause harm and have intense beliefs about being superior. For the majority who don’t feel like that there is a lot of work we can do to make the world a kinder place. 

I’ve had people say to me, why do the minority get to tell me in the majority what to think and feel?”. I’m at a loss at times to know what to say other than, “why wouldn’t we want to learn about those at a disadvantage and how we might inadvertently perpetuate it?”. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t claim to get it right. 

Why would we want to harm?

So, back to the unintentional harm. Why wouldn’t we want to learn about what causes life to be more difficult for others. Why wouldn’t we want to make an effort? How do we engage in learning about systemic dis/advantage? How serious are we about making a difference? Are we only interested in the areas that impact ourselves?

Essentially we are being invited to think about how someone might experience the same situation but in a different way. Do we become defensive and in denial or can we hold both our own and the other’s experience together? How might this knowledge help soften our own position? How might we respond if we realise that we might be inadvertently adding to the suffering of someone else or another group of people? 

A few years ago I wrote and article about Why Pronouns Matter. I’ve since updated it and I realise I need to update it again. I used language, that although didn’t intend to cause harm, I can now see might cause harm. I’d write it differently now.

So, I will continue to think about intentional vs unintentional harm and how I might intentionally help the world to be a kinder place.